And then came day five. You know the drill- another day,
another stop on the Attitude Express.
First, we went to the house. Half the team was building a
local lady a new house. I clearly was not a part of that team- not because I’m
a girl and I can’t build houses but because you haven’t heard anything about a
house until now.
And also because I can’t build houses and I just so happen
to be a girl.
Correlation does not equal causation… or the other way… or
something… I don’t know... FEMINISM.
So anyway, we went to this house to dedicate it. This was
the first that I’d seen the house, so I was kinda excited. Jordan Sparks led
our march- Battlefield was playing LOUD from one of the neighbor’s houses. I
sang along as long as I could but then I was out of breath because walking
uphill and HELLO not in shape.
Then I saw the house. Bright green- like fluorescent- and
small. It almost looked like the size of my brother’s shed which is parked
outside of my parent’s house, at the end of the driveway. And this is her
house, which she shares with a bazillion of her children and some
grandchildren.
Cool. So we continue to climb the mountain and then I
realize we have to climb these treacherous rocks in order to get to the door of
the new house. Little lady who lives here is maybe 60 years old (?) and she has
to climb these rocks whenever she comes and goes.
Again, cool. So I climb the treacherous rocks and reach the
door only to find that there isn’t actually a great way to get through the
doorway because the rocks that I had just climbed kind of drop off. So the
others were grabbing the side of the door and sort of swinging themselves up
into the house.
Perfect.
And then I was pissed. Because this sweet lady has this
bright green house which she’s so proud of and it’s freaking tiny, has no
indoor plumbing or electricity, is only 2 rooms, and you can’t even walk into
the house properly.
So I refused to go in.
My apologies to everyone who offered to help me into the
house. I didn’t want to do it because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that a
60ish year old woman would have to risk her life just to go inside.
What if it rained and the rocks were wet and she slipped and
broke her leg?
Very possible.
Then she asked us all to go inside and sing together
before we dedicated the house. So I parked the attitude express and I swung
myself into the house for her. And I sang about how great and faithful God is.
And she cried when we prayed because she was so moved and so grateful.
And y’all her house was literally built on a rectangular
slab of uneven concrete. But she was so grateful with so little.
Then we left, and I spent the rest of the day cleaning a
house on the base. Jess and I cleaned 3 full bathrooms before she started on
windows and I took over the floors. I’m not a fan of cleaning up after other
people- especially when it comes to bathrooms. Like I think I’d rather use an
outhouse covered in spider webs for the rest of my life than have to clean
somebody else’s bathroom. So climbing into these showers with long, black hair
sticking to the sides was a real stretch for me. Lucky for you, I’m not trying
to relive that experience.
Anyway, I intentionally waited for the rooms to be finished
before I started in on sweeping and mopping the floors, but turns out I didn’t
wait long enough. The woman who was helping us kept going back over things in
the rooms that we had flagged as finished. She would find a single shelf that
was un-dusted or a cabinet that was un-wiped and she would dust and wipe and
then ask me to re-sweep and re-mop the whole floor.
I’m not kidding you when I say that I cleaned the floors in
each room of that stupid house at least 4 times each.
And then God nudged me and said, Cait- would you not clean
these floors all day long if you knew that I was moving in? Would you not clean
each corner, each shelf, each cabinet, until the very moment I arrived?
Clean this house as though you were preparing it for me.
So then I rolled my eyes as I rolled up my sleeves and I
swept the floor again. Because no way I would let the king of my heart sleep in
a room with dusty windows. But enough about cleaning bathrooms because here
comes day six.
Day six was probably my most favorite/the most
uncomfortable/the saddest/the happiest day of the trip.
Day six we spent at a special needs orphanage called West
Haven. Full disclosure- I didn’t want to go. I was so anxious that I actually
got diarrhea the night before. Sorry to be so graphic, but I did say full
disclosure.
Nothing in me wanted to go. I was scared. What if I said the
wrong thing, or what if I was grossed out by what I saw? Or even worse- what if
I didn’t know what to say?
But day six I wasn’t given a choice so into the bus we piled
and around the island we went until we (quickly) arrived. We slowly filed off the bus as children and
adults with a variety of special needs confidently approached.
God, let me see these people as you see these people.
I stood there awkwardly, not sure where to look or where to
go. I debated getting back on the bus to give myself a much needed pep talk
when suddenly I was being led forward.
I looked to my right and a little man in a gray t-shirt had
looped his arm through mine. He smiled at me and I smiled back.
“Come on in”, he said as he continued to direct me forward,
patting my arm as we walked. He walked me down the little road, into the heart
of their home where he unhooked his arm from mine and gave me a quick hug
before limping away.
And then I was head butted by a lady that called me “baby,
baby”. To be fair, I was warned about this woman and knew that the hug she was pulling
me in for was just for show. It was an excuse to get me close enough so that
she could smack her well-conditioned forehead into my poor, unsuspecting
forehead. So at the last second I turned my face and she ended up nailing me in
the right ear which hurt a lot less than I expected. That was definitely the
lowest point of the day, but she quickly moved on to her next victim and I was
free to mingle with less physically violent folks.
I soon found myself sitting at a picnic table with several
people crowded around a boom box. I sang along to the songs that I knew, and
the rest of the time I just watched and smiled at the kids. When they’d see me
watching them their faces would light up and then they’d squeeze their eyes
shut and “sing” even louder.
Not many of them could sing by our definition, but in their
hearts man- they were freaking Madonna.
One little boy was standing on the table shouting HALLELUJAH
at the top of his little lungs. Like he must’ve seen some old school southern
Baptist revival services because this kid was LIT. It’s possible that he also
had some anger management issues, because later he hit me pretty hard-
unprovoked. But man, hallelujah kid knew what was up when he was worshipping.
I’m thinking maybe next time I’m on keys at church I’m just going to HALLELUJAH
my way through each song. On the other hand, I better not. He gave me
goosebumps, but I’d probably just freak everyone out.
While I was sitting at the picnic table, a little boy with
red sweatpants came up and sat on/beside me. He had a naked baby doll with him.
One minute he was petting the doll and softly whispering in its ear, and the
next he would swing it around by its leg while hollering something that made
him laugh hysterically. I smiled at him, and asked if he loved his baby. He
responded by sticking his tongue out and licking the doll from its chin to the
top of its head. Then he held the doll out to me, as if he wanted me to show my
affection for the doll in the same way.
I politely declined, of course.
Then hallelujah boy came over and threw the doll to the
ground which ticked red sweatpants boy right off. The unnecessary aggression
was not appreciated. My time at the picnic table came to an abrupt end.
There were several young boys- maybe early teens- who would
walk around with us girls with an arm thrown protectively across our shoulders.
Reuben was a little ladies’ man. He looked like he was maybe 10 years old, but
he acted like a solid 17. He quickly made each of us girls his special
girlfriend. He’d wiggle his eyebrows at us, hold our hands, sit on our laps,
and he was constantly puckering up in preparation for kisses that he didn’t
receive.
Reuben made me laugh with his persistence. He refused to
take a picture with me, so I refused his advances and would not call him my
boyfriend. This didn’t go over well- as you can imagine- so before long I gave
in.
He, however, did not. So here I am- one of Reuben’s many
girlfriends yet I have no photo to show for it. Typical man.
Then there was William. His smile made me smile. He had
several stick-on Iron Man tattoos. So we compared ink and Dan and I admired how
brave he was to trust his friend to put an Iron Man tattoo on the back of his
neck.
William also liked to show off his muscles so there were
several gun shows throughout the day. He liked to compare muscles with the guys
on our team. And the show couldn’t end until we felt his muscles and praised
him for his strength.
But his smile was the most memorable- the dude smiled
constantly. When I asked if he would take a picture with me, he threw his arm
around my neck before I even had finished the question. He pulled me close-
cheek to cheek- and smiled until Aly confirmed that the moment had been
captured. It took a long time because Aly was helping one of the other kids
take the picture. Then he looked at me and we both laughed all over again.
At lunchtime, we were asked to help the staff feed some of
the kids who were unable to feed themselves. I was timid. I walked around
sheepishly, didn’t look the nurses in the eye, steered clear of the rooms where
the lunch was being served, and generally avoided anyone who I thought would ask
me to help with feedings.
I thought I could trust my uncle Randy, so I joined him on
the porch and we chatted a little bit before he straight up said, “Cait, go ask
that lady who you should feed”.
Betrayed by my own uncle and he didn’t even know it. I
slowly walked over to the nurse- because Randy was watching and I basically
didn’t have a choice- and I smiled and said, “Could I feed him?”
I was praying that she would brush me off and be all polite
like, “Nah, I got this!” but home girl practically ran into the kitchen to get
the bowl of food for the little boy in front of me.
Great. So there I stood, in front of a little boy in a blue
t-shirt, laying down in a wheelchair with his arms folded awkwardly by his sides
and his knees pulled up tight to his chest.
One of his knees was under his shirt, almost up to his neck.
I looked at him and I thought- how in the heck am I supposed to feed this
child? There was no way that this was going to end well for either of us.
And then the nurse came around the corner with a bowl of
food and a spoon. As soon as this boy saw her, he sat up so straight, so fast.
Like lightning speed.
I’m not kidding y’all, I almost fell over. I was so shocked.
You can sit!? I shouted at this poor child. And then he
laughed at me.
Ha, God. Good one.
After we all ate lunch, a bunch of us got our phones out and
started taking pictures with the kids. The best thing happened shortly after
the phones started to appear. I watched as one of the kids walked up to a guy
on our team and he pulled a small, rectangular piece of wood from the pocket of
his tattered jeans. He held it up in front of his face, just as we were doing,
and he took a picture of Dylan, with his wooden iPhone.
I couldn’t help but laugh as I compartmentalized the memory
for later.
One boy, we called him Vanilla (because his name sounded something
like Vanilla but no one was really sure what he was actually saying) proudly
walked me to the gate when it was time to leave. I asked him to walk me out,
and he nodded his agreement, taking the job so seriously. Never have I felt so
protected and loved as I did in that moment, with Vanilla proudly escorting me
to the bus. He gave me a tight hug when we reached the gate, and I almost didn’t
let him go.
Only a few hours earlier I wanted to live the rest of my
life from the safety of that bus, but suddenly I couldn’t stand the thought of
leaving these sweet, sweet people.
The day ended so fast- almost too fast for me to feel as
though I was able to fully appreciate the beautiful souls I had just met.
Later that night our team debriefed together. The conditions
of the West Haven facility, the state of the children who were confined to beds
for their entire lives, the food that they ate, the clothes they wore (or didn’t
wear)- it was all hard to see.
A lot of us were struggling with the question- why? Why is
this their reality? What purpose are they serving?
Randy shared a little bit of his experience from the day. He
was singing a worship song with a girl named Crystal. She spent her days
sitting in an outdated wheelchair, unable to talk, walk, or feed herself.
Crystal loved to sing, so many of us sat and sang with her throughout the day.
Randy shared that while singing, God answered his ‘why’.
Crystal’s purpose is to worship God.
William’s purpose is to worship God.
Reuben’s purpose is to worship God.
My purpose is to worship God.
We are all the same in that we were created to worship and
bring glory to our God. No number of disabilities or special needs or outdated
wheelchairs or ripped jeans or wooden phones can change that.
And let me tell you, these kids worshipped. They threw their
hands up, they shouted hallelujah, they clapped their hands and stomped their
feet and they worshipped. They didn’t dwell on circumstances.
They didn’t use
their physical limits as excuses. Heck, they didn’t even know that they had
physical limits.
I saw a boy rolling down the hill, in his wheelchair, with
the biggest smile on his face. He was flying.
I saw a girl being pushed in her wheelchair as she raced a
member of our team. She was running.
I heard a boy slurring his words as he swayed to the music
with his eyes squeezed tight. He was singing.
And then I thought about little girl’s blue sheets, and that
cardboard iPhone. I couldn’t even remember the color of my sheets at home. I
couldn’t remember the color and I had changed them just before I left.
I thought about the iPhone I had previously which was
seriously damaged in a tragic work related incident. The iPhone has one button,
and mine was so badly broken that the button literally fell out. I waited for
months, desperate for October when it was finally time for my update because I
was so embarrassed by my button-less iPhone with the cracked screen that cut me
when I swiped my thumb a certain way.
Suddenly I was ashamed because of how thrilled little girl
was that her sheets were her favorite color, and I had no idea what color mine
were. I was ashamed because that boy wanted to capture a moment like I do
constantly and with little thought- and he didn’t think twice about his wooden
iPhone.
I have all this stuff- but do I even need it?
I have mint colored sheets that are so soft I feel like I’m sleeping
on a cloud. I have an iPhone that can basically read my mind (I’m lookin at you,
Siri).
But do I need an uncracked iPhone or fancy sheets with a
high thread count?
Or do I need exactly what those kids had? Jesus and joy and
friendship and love.
And then Jess- bless your heart, dear Jess- she said exactly
what I needed to hear.
I don’t need a fancy job title in a plush corner office or a
rich husband or a big house or even my own house. I need Jesus. The rest doesn’t
even matter because Jesus is enough. My purpose is the same as little girl’s
purpose, red sweatpants boy’s purpose, hallelujah boy’s purpose, bossy girl’s
purpose, and William’s purpose- and that is enough.
And suddenly I felt this huge burden fall from my shoulders
because even though God has told me to wait, I can still fulfill my purpose. I
can still be who God wants me to be even while I wait. What a relief! My
purpose doesn’t change even when my life changes.
Boom, what freedom.
Day six was like a breath of fresh air in the most unexpected
of ways.
And then day seven was spent on the beach and it was on day
seven that I knew I was in love.
So in love, that when the strange man on the street offered
to give me my very own platinum credit card if I stayed with him, I honestly
paused for a moment to consider the offer.
Not because I want more stuff, but it seemed like he would be
cool with me spending all of my time on the beach. And I wanted that beach,
man. Plus he also tried to sell me a copy of his latest reggae album so he’s
obviously motivated. Then he tried to sell me weed so he’s got to be an
entrepreneur. And he was practically proposing to me, a complete stranger, so
he’s outgoing and confident.
But then I realized I would miss my dogs too much so I said
forget it and moved on. God bless the lucky lady who will one day accept that
kind young man’s offer. She’s #blessed.
The beach day was great. We went snorkeling and it’s safe to
say that I’m a big fan. Did you know that there’s like a gazillion fish in the
ocean?! There are. It’s great. I tried to be real still so I could touch one of
them, but then I’d get freaked out when they’d swim towards me and I’d move and
scream a little bit. So that didn’t work out.
We also went to Margaritaville which was just as great as it
sounds.
I reluctantly left Jamaica on day eight. I left with a
new perspective, an appreciation for where I am in my life, a love for Jamaican
bananas, and at least four boyfriends.
The trip was wildly successful. I’m wondering why I waited
24 years. Probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. And for real, when can we
go back?
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| Group shot |
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| I'm hardcore missing this porch and the view and those people |
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| The group with the happy home owner and her new house |
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| Got my hair braided by a woman who wasn't afraid to pull and yank and shove my head to the side when necessary |
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| All the Jamaican rainbows, please |
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| Love that I got to experience Jamaica with my brother. And Jordan is photobombing in his sunglasses. |
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| One of us is Vanilla and the other is just pale |
|
|
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| William's smile is impossible to ignore |
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| Margaritaville, can you not? |
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| Today was beautiful |
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| Sammy caught a fish and I just wanted to make sure that everyone got a chance to see it because f'real- look at that fish |
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| keep the credit card- I'll just need Jamaican sunsets forever |
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| <3 |
