Still not 35

Back at it again because this was one whole week and we've only just discussed the first two days! You ready to read some more? Because imma write a whole lot!

Day three allowed for more ‘just wait’ moments. Luckily by then I was allowing myself to be okay with the idea, so the attitude workout didn’t hurt as much. Day three we spent at an orphanage, loving on and playing with kids of all ages. 

This was the first orphanage I’ve been to, and I was surprised in the best way. I have a sensitive spirit and certain places really affect me. Does that make sense? Places affect me on a spiritual level. That sounds weird, and I’ve tried rewriting that several times but I can’t word it in a less odd way. So deal with it. 

Honestly though- the atmosphere of buildings affects me in a deep way. So I was thrilled when I walked into this orphanage and was immediately bathed in natural light streaming through windows and giant doors. I had prepared myself to carry the heaviness of the orphanage- to carry the hurt, the pain, and the hopelessness that I expected to feel. 

I blame Annie for this one- Annie and her scrappy pals and Miss Hannigan. I was prepared to see orphans dressed in rags scrubbing the floor until it would shine like the top of the Chrysler building! Is that the line? Whatever- that’s not what I saw. 

I stood in the entryway, surrounded by photos of happy, healthy kids, and I could only smile. The light in the building was something I couldn’t get over. It was almost tangible- and heavy with all of the best things: love, joy, laughter, hope. 

There were some six year old kids that a few of us played with during their recess time. Except I don’t think they call it recess, because I asked one of them “is this recess?” and he just stared at me. So I’m not sure what that was about.  

First we threw a Frisbee around- until the only six year old girl threw it onto the roof of their school building. So then we played with a soccer ball until someone head butted it over the side of the mountain. Luckily the ball was retrieved but then the kids decided it was too valuable to risk losing so we put it away. After that we just watched the boys race down the hill on their scooters. 

 

No fear- except for me. I had fear because 

1. They kept almost running into me and 

2. There were like five of them and they all FLEW down this hill at the same time and I was sure they would crash and then it would be like a 40 car pileup on the Turnpike. 

Thankfully there were no accidents. 

Unless you call asking yet another Jamaican child to guess your age. You're 35. 

No kid, I'm not 35. 

Are you sure?

Unfortunately not every orphanage had the same peaceful presence. Day four we visited an orphanage that was more like what I had been expecting. The hallways were narrow. The lights were fluorescent and harsh. The floors were concrete and cold. The sadness, hopelessness, and hurt were thick. 

The children clung to us. One little boy wanted me to hold him. So I did, and he pointed in the directions he wanted me to walk. He didn’t want to play, he didn’t want to slide or swing or sit down beside me- he just wanted me to hold him. So I stood on the playground, holding this toddler, not sure what to do while slowly losing feeling in my arms.

Then I remembered that my aunt Lynda always talks about the memories she has from when she was young of her mom singing while she held her. So I started to hum. Of course, no Jesus-y worship songs came to mind right away (oops), so I hummed Wagon Wheel, One Direction, some JT- you know, the classics. All this time I was softly patting little boy’s back. 

At one point I stopped humming and patting because someone came over to talk to me. Little boy immediately lifted his head and started grunting and smacking my back with his small hand. I wasn’t sure what he wanted- I thought maybe he wanted me to walk around with him. So I started to walk and he just beat my back faster, almost like he was in a panic. 

Then I realized that his grunting was actually a very aggressive form of humming, and his smacking my back was a more panicked pat. 

So I stopped moving and resumed the humming and patting and he stopped, laid his head on my shoulder, and softly patted my back with his little hand. 

I mean, just shatter my heart- yeah?

All too soon it was time to go. I told him it was time for me to leave and he wrapped his little legs around my waist, his arms around my neck, and he held on for dear life. I slowly walked inside and with each step he tightened his arms and legs around me. I laid him down on the mattress on the floor where two other toddlers had already been placed and he looked up at me with big brown eyes and then he started sobbing. Like hardcore wailing.

My heart was crushed. He didn't say a single word to me, but he freaking broke my heart. I could hear his cries as I left the building. The bus ride back was quiet.

Day four we also went back to the school from day two. One girl excitedly announced to the rest, “yes, they’re back!” when she saw us waiting again outside.

At one point while interacting with the kids, I made the mistake of asking two girls if they were friends.

“No”, the first girl said to me. “I’m not friends with her because she’s too bossy.” The second little girl’s face fell and her shoulders sagged as she looked to the ground.

“Oh no!” I quickly replied. “She’s only bossy because she has great leadership skills!” The second little girl lifted her head, her eyes lit up.

“I do?” she asked, her voice dripping with innocence, her eyes filled with hope.

“Yes, you do! You’re going to learn how to be a great leader, and guess what? The world needs great leaders” I reassured her.

“But I don’t know how to be a leader” she admitted, with defeat threatening to take over her sweet little face.

“Oh child, but you will. You’ll learn. And one day, you might lead us all.” The second girl’s smile covered her sweet, small face as I said a quick prayer of thanks for Pinterest and whoever it was who created the pin that says all girls who are told they’re bossy should instead be told that they have leadership skills. Because no way I could’ve come up with that response on my own. 

 

#pinterestsaves #Jesussaves

The rest of day four was spent moving the remains of a house from one pile on the base to another better organized pile on the base.

I wish I was kidding. But they did tell us that it was helpful, even after we made fun of ourselves for relocating the pile just up the hill. Still, it kind of felt like a waste of time.

Either way, I like to think if God is cool with telling us that it’s okay to do nothing and wait, then God would also be down with us wasting time by moving a pile from place to place.

Day four was actually a big day because we went to another orphanage that evening. This orphanage was happy too- the kids were older and they had every right to be angry and hurt, but they were happy. They played barefoot soccer, they showed us their toys, they gave us tours, and they opened up about their lives.

I met little girl- she wasn’t actually little- she was 12- but somehow little girl feels like an appropriate name for her. Anyway, she immediately started telling me all about herself. She likes the color blue, she likes science and language arts, she plays football, she loves Tommy Lee, she taught herself to play the recorder, and she’s going to be baptized on the first Sunday in February.

Little girl also proudly showed me her bedroom, which she shared with a handful of other girls. Bunk beds lined the walls, clothes were overflowing from plastic bins, and backpacks were scattered on the floor. She asked me to guess which bunk was hers and was pleased when I picked the bed with the blue sheets. Never had I met a 12 year old so excited about her blue sheets. 

I tried to imagine a 12 year old American girl- proud of her bed sheets and the fact that she can (sorta-kinda) play the recorder. It's (sorta-kinda) impossible. When I was 12 I was mean. I'm not kidding- I was mean. I was looking through my mom's prayer journal from when I was a preteen (she told me I could), and it was filled with my mother's prayers for my troubled heart. 

Caitlyn's been acting out again. Caitlyn seems so angry. I don't know what to do with her. Caitlyn has such a bad attitude right now. 

Mom used to give us "Attitude Workouts"- they were just as terrible as they sound. We had to do chores until we apologized for having such a crappy attitude. And when you're 12 and your mom tells you that you've got an attitude, pretty much any chore that she assigns you is better than apologizing because in your stupid little mind, you're not wrong- mom's wrong. 

I was so freaking stubborn and I REFUSED to apologize. It got so bad that there were times when all the chores were done and mom would make me sweep the basement steps. Seriously. I knew I had her right where I wanted her when she would send me to the basement steps with nothing but a dustpan and brush. Except that I usually ended up crying because I knew that she was frustrated and I felt bad. But my point is- I was terrible.

And I had a mom and a dad who loved me. I had siblings. I had my own bedroom. I had a basement with steps. I had a dog. I had a piano (which I hated). And what did little girl have? She had parents who for whatever reason couldn't raise her. She had a bedroom that she shared with at least six other girls. She had a flimsy recorder. She had blue sheets. And she had a happy heart.

What could we possibly have in common?

Then little girl turned out the lights in her room and showed me that she had a galaxy on her ceiling.

And I gasped because when I was 12 I had glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars too. Still have them, in fact.

God bless the creators of glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars, because little girl was so proud.

This kid refused to eat. I couldn't relate.

A framed photo of each child.

Her old man hair had me cracking up!

I wasn't the only one who almost got taken out by boys on scooters.

Nichi accidentally referenced her wedding photos which she had access to on her phone. Then she started yelling, "No! Don't take it off airplane mode!" and I knew she needed help. So I took a picture. Then I helped.

"You mean you got married to this man and then he smashed cake into your face? But he loves you?" New concepts.

Little Girl with the blue sheets and the glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars.

Jamaica, no problem

Black is for the people. Red is for the blood. Yellow is for the sun. Green is for the grass. 

Last week at this time I was sitting on a small, sunny beach in the heart of Jamaica. I was staring out into the clearest water I’ve ever seen. I was relaxing under puffy clouds and a warm sun. I was snorkeling and swimming with Dory. I was laughing at the local men who promised me platinum credit cards if I would stay with them. I was being stretched and challenged. I was crying. I was smiling. I was shouting. I was singing. 

People keep asking me how Jamaica was, and I say good- it was so beautiful- I had fun- so much fun. That’s all true- it was good and beautiful and fun, but it was also exhausting and scary. 

I mean honestly, if you want to completely wipe out this introvert, send me to a beautiful island with a large group made up of a handful of my favorite people for a week. While I'm there you should set a rigid schedule, starting with breakfast at 6:30am, an entire day spent in the warm sun, endless small talk to fill downtime, several deep conversations with the aforementioned favorites, and ending with a bed time leaving far fewer than eight hours of quality sleep before the following morning’s 6:30am breakfast. 

Exhausted.

For real though, who’s hungry at 6:30 in the morning? I’m a lot of things at 6:30am. I’m angry. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. I’m stressed. I’m sad. I’m usually cold.

I am never hungry. 

Then after getting home, I was thrown right back into real life and didn’t have any down time until Thursday afternoon. So with several piles of dirty laundry and an untouched suitcase scattered on my bedroom floor, I crawled into my sweet, sweet bed and slept for three hours. 

I haven’t had a three hour mid-day nap since college y’all. It was so great, I woke up and wasn’t sure what day it was, or why there was light coming through my windows. Like hardcore confused, that’s how good I slept.

So here I go. I’ll share my experiences with ya a few days at a time, so as not to force you to read until you can’t keep your eyes from crossing or you get so bored that you skip to the end and miss all the in between good stuff.

We arrived at the YWAM base in Jamaica around two o’clock in the afternoon on Sunday, January 8^th. I was exhausted after waking up at four that morning but I was also excited and itching to experience it all. But mostly I was exhausted.

Day one was pretty chill and relaxed. We got acquainted with our new home as well as with each other, learning names and faces as we walked and talked between the palm trees and up and down a thousand never-ending steps. 

The base is on a mountain- yay, that’s so great- so there’s just steps. Lord, have mercy.

Day one also provided me with my first attitude check- and not because of the steps. Leave it to me to have an attitude straight away. Oops, sorry God. Here comes the attitude workout, as my mom would say. 

There were some guests at the base who spoke in a way that really challenged me and of course, I met them day one. When they talked about their past experiences in ministry they said things that immediately initiated flashbacks to my childhood. Then my PTSD would flare up and I honestly could not keep myself from rolling my eyes so hard that I began to feel dizzy and sick to my stomach.

I’m telling you, all aboard the Attitude Check Express! 

I felt embarrassed for these people; I felt uncomfortable for these people; I felt hurt because of these people. 

Does that happen to you? When you hear people talking about God and ministry as though it’s like this high class thing and you’re just like- damn, y’all. Loosen the heck up! Un-bunch those panties and let’s have fun! But then they’re all- I’d prefer if we prayed about that, first. 

And then they close their eyes and bind the devil and throw him into the pit of hell, where he belongs, and then they pray and pray and pray until you’re just like- forget it, it’s not even worth it.

Obviously I’m exaggerating and yes I believe in the power of prayer and I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. 

But come on. 

I guess the thing that really got me going was when the one guy asked me what our plans were for the week and I told him half of the team was building a house and the other half was going to be visiting orphanages, schools, and a hospice center. 

His response was, “oh great, you’re going to go preach to the kids!”

And I said, “Probably not so much ‘preach’. Our goal is to show love to the people we meet and interact with, and help their staff in various ways”.

And he stared at me like I had three heads and then clearly confused, he asked, “Oh, so is no one in your group a preacher?”

And the eye rolling- it was consistent throughout this conversation and grew increasingly intense with every word the man spoke.

But then something kind of neat happened. After I realized that my most recent eye roll hadn’t gone unnoticed (oops), I slowly felt God opening my eyes to see what it was that was underneath all of the tacky religious jargon. I saw that their hearts were in the right place. I saw that God still loved them.

I also had a moment where I was truly grateful for the path I’ve walked with God- not necessarily something I would’ve acknowledged before encountering this small piece of my past. 

I saw the importance of relationship. 

I might not have the religious lingo down, but in my opinion the world doesn’t need any more preachers to throw fancy words in their faces. The world needs people who are people- real people- just as we are, to show love even when they don’t deserve it because we don’t deserve it.

The world needs people who are willing to show grace. 

The world needs Jesus, who washed people’s feet and gladly provided more wine after they were already wasted at that wedding. 

So then the Attitude Express chugged along to Over-It-Ville where it stayed parked for the rest of the week. 

Except no. 

The Attitude Express quickly stopped again on day two. We visited an elementary school where we sang with the kids before they started class. Afterwards, we were supposed to paint a wall.

But we had no paint, no brushes, no ladders, no buckets, no tape, no drop-cloths. 

NO PAINT. 

So we waited for about an hour while our leader went to purchase the paint. And we waited outside, where it was hot and there was nothing to do. No cellphone service, no wifi, no books, no TV- nothing. 

Couldn’t even check my Instagram, y’all. 

So you want to know what we did? We played hopscotch. And we sat there. 

Shocker- the Attitude Express because- hello? Why were we wasting our time?

And God said, “Caitlyn- it is okay to wait. Look around you. It’s okay to wait.”

I felt it in my heart and in my bones. 

So then I said, “Okay, God. Then show me what I can do in the meantime. What can I do while I wait? Who can I talk to, which relationship can I work on?” 

And God laughed at me and said, “Caitlyn- it is okay to wait. Look around you. It’s okay to do nothing and wait.” And then I smiled, because I remembered the number of people we passed on our walk to the school. We passed men sitting on benches, smoking weed. We passed women sitting on the side of the road, staring at traffic. 

And I knew that when we walked back at the end of the day, there was a good chance we would see the same people sitting in the same places, holding the same joints, staring at the same traffic.

It’s okay to just wait. And in Jamaica, it really is okay to just wait. It's okay to wait when your boss shows up at your painting job without paint. You smile and laugh with your neighbors while you wait. You sit and soak up the sun while you wait. You're happy to wait because why not?

If we tried that in Lancaster, we'd be sidelined so fast. It's too bad, I learned to appreciate the laid-back relaxed attitude. No hurry. Jamaica, no problem.

And not just in Jamaica- but in my life too. A few years ago I quit my job with nothing else lined up. Sure, it might have been a stupid move. But it also might have been exactly what I needed. 

I prayed and asked God to provide, and He did- with several short-term, part-time positions. I prayed for a specific job that I felt God had put on my heart and God told me to wait. 

Never did I expect to be working two part-time jobs as I turned 25. Never did I expect to be holding a college degree while working in a candy shop and playing dolls with a four year old. But that's where I am because of that freaking word- wait.

I don’t talk much about this, because I don’t like to overly-spiritualize my life. I feel like it comes across as naïve and I don’t want to be naïve. At the same time, I’ve tried so hard to make things happen and every single time my plans fall apart and God presses my heart and says, wait.

Just wait. 

Recently I’ve been feeling the push again to try and make something happen- to try and get a new job, or try and force relationships to achieve my end-goal but God shuts me down so fast and presses into my heart and says that same, stupid four-letter word over and over. Wait. 

Just wait. 

Cait, wait. I hate that my name rhymes with it. 

So maybe I’m naïve. Maybe I’m wasting precious time that I could be using to build an exciting, fulfilling life. But maybe not. 

Because look around you- it’s okay to wait. It's okay to just wait.

And if you disagree, then maybe I don’t care what you think. 

Did this just get awkward? Ohhh… I can tell you about awkward. I thought a good way to start conversation with the kids at the school would be to ask them to guess my age. 

35. Naw, 38! 

Seriously? Little boy looks at me with the sweetest innocence on his face as he responds, "My mama's 38".

And I looked that sweet boy in the eye and I quoted my girl JLo and I said, "I ain't yo mama".

doing that tourist thing at the airport

day 1 with bae and bae

the great house, located (conveniently) at the top of the mountain with a killer porch view and (also conveniently) where we all congregated during free time

playing hopscotch because wait

passing time with Jerry- or is that Tom?

little ones watching us paint their wall "campfire orange"

 

Hello, Leon.

List of 6 Excuses 

(for why I haven't updated since November):

1. I'm a full-time college student and full-time college students are overworked, overcharged and overly-exhausted people. 

2. My creative well was bone dry due to an increased amount of stress and displeasure experienced during the last few months as a direct result of reason 1. 

3. My iCloud refuses to work properly and I refuse to spend more than 30 minutes figuring it out. I am stumped and have not a clue in the world how to talk my iPhone into sending my photo-stream directly to my computer beyond what I've already done. It just sits there and laughs at me. 

4. I've taken on yet another role. Go ahead and call me Intern Caitlyn again. This means I have to spend 120 hours of my little life working for the American Diabetes Association before May 3rd. It's fun but calculate 120 hours into real life and full-time college student status and (HELLO) you understand why this has made it to the List of 6 Excuses.

5. My French class is all-consuming. 

6. My babysitting business is starting to take off. One or two referrals and suddenly I feel like every Raleigh mom is giving me the once-over when I'm at the grocery store. But I love it- there are some stinking cute kids down here. And they call me Miss Caitlyn so basically I'm a fan. 

So there you go. That should clear things up. 

But if not, then you can kindly take your negativity elsewhere.

Yesterday was my 22nd birthday (whaaat?) and super-storm Leon made his big debut. 

I was really looking forward to celebrating on a nice warm day but Leon had other plans. 

Pushy. 

We did manage to make our way over to Whole Foods and got me a birthday cake. 

It's from Whole Foods so really it's like the healthiest cake we could've gotten, right? 

 

We got 2 inches of snow which isn't the biggest of deals but down here that's more than enough to call off schools and cancel classes and shut down businesses and hibernate for a day or two. 

So that's what I'm doing. Sort of hibernating. 

I slept way too long this morning and so all day I've been kind of groggy-stupid. I just want to go back to bed but I've gotten plenty of sleep and more would just make it worse. 

Why do bad things happen to good people? 

You know when you sleep too long in the morning and you're like borderline awake but then you have the craziest dreams? Or is that just a problem I have? 

Well either way, I had the weirdest dream this morning. 

Mary Catherine was our new kitten? 

She was human, but we treated her like a cat. 

And we let her outside but then we went to bed and accidentally locked her out. 

So she shacked up with a kind possum family that lived under our porch.

Then the next morning I went out to find her, my precious kitty, but I couldn't find her! 

I called her name over and over and then the neighbor told me she saw her go down the street to the hospital. 

So I made my way to the hospital and there she was, little kitty/MC curled up in the corner sleeping. 

I was warned by the nurse that she wouldn't act like a kitty because she was basically raised by possums. 

I figured it would be fine, she spent like 1 night with them, how bad could it be? 

But then I picked her up and she screamed some crazy, possum-like scream. 

Scared the crap out of me. Then I realized I was terrible and had really messed up my kitty-sister. 

I woke up crying. 

And no, we don't have a cat or a kitten, there is no possum family living under our porch, and there is no hospital down the street. 

I am also not implying that my sister is an animal or that she was raised by animals.

I conclude that I have a wild imagination and that sleeping past 10 is no longer a good idea.

Clearly 22 means that I can't handle all that sleep. 

Goodbye youth.

Want to re-cap Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks? Because I want to!

I'll go ahead and get all the puppy pictures out of the way first. There are a lot, brace yourselves. Shasta's just so photogenic and Iris is so stinking cute. 

Danny is Iris's favorite person. 

She's a stunner.

See? Shasta was born to pose. 

I taught Iris how to play Scrabble. She wasn't very good. 

Shasta got a haircut and we made fun of her, shame! 

And Baby Iris officially loves shoving her face into the snow. Good for her. 

I may be slightly obsessed with those two, but can you blame me? They're adorable and they are so cuddly and I miss them so bad! 

Winter in PA was lots of fun. We had snow more than we didn't have snow. Or maybe that's a lie, I can't really remember if I'm being honest. It seems like a life-time ago. 

 But we tried to play in the snow at one point. It was cold and windy and Iris was occupying herself so we didn't feel the need to stay out long. 

I do remember hanging out with Carli Sue a lot. We decided to decorate the guest-book at the Corner Coffee Shop over Thanksgiving break. She drew a lovely turkey with a coffee and I wrote an impressive list of what we were thankful for.

 

I'm thankful for her! 

I also saw old high school friends and we did our high-school-friend thing where we called someone and took a picture and tagged them on facebook. Because we're so creative like that. 

 Yu Qing was on the phone. True story! 

I took so many pictures of all the happenings. I mean, it was Christmas would you expect anything less? Also it was my last winter break. The last time I'll get four weeks off for Christmas because apparently that's not normal and real people don't get that. 

That's a serious bummer.

And Kyle isn't in many pictures because he was gallivanting in Ukraine! We were super excited to have him back home!

This little Amish lady made me smile. I don't know why, but I found her absolutely adorable. And I felt bad that she was walking to get her mail in the cold, rain. I thought someone should recognize and document on her behalf. 

2014's going to be great, isn't it? 

So much hope for this year!