Dear Chicago,
You know what I'm tired of? The new iPad Pro. I mean honestly, how many iPads does this world need? And like, is the previous iPad not a pro? Was it an amateur iPad? Did we call it the amateur iPad? Did they know it was the amateur iPad? Was it advertised as such? How is that supposed to make the people who have the older iPad feel? Probably like they bought a phony.
Mostly I'm over the iPad Pro because of the commercial advertising for the iPad Pro. You've probably seen it a thousand times- I know I have. I'm over it because it features a mother friggin preying mantis and girlfriend you know how I feel about that bug- it's the devil's bug. Get thee under my feet, Satan!
In this commercial, some poor little hipster-looking girl with glasses (I think she has glasses- they usually have glasses) takes a close up photo with her iPad Pro of this most repulsive not to mention dangerous bug.
First of all you're an idiot, little girl because that's an iPad and you look stupid using it to take a picture. Second, I hope you have your affairs in order because that bug is going to eat you and you are going to die.
Great. Now I'm all itchy. For my own sanity I'm gonna need to move on.
Yesterday little C asked me to help her write her Christmas lists. She was writing it herself and then she sighed real big, handed me her notebook and said "Caitlyn, can you write this for me? I can't write fast enough and then I forget what I want!"
What a problem. Wish I could forget what I want that easily. So anyway, we made all sorts of lists. Lists for her family on each side, lists for her teachers, lists for her family who are teachers, lists for her siblings, and a very long list for herself.
"Caitlyn, what do older teachers like?"
Maybe books? Or school supplies? Or a candle?
"I'll think about it and get back to you."
So while she was thinking, I wrote down a list of things I want for Christmas and she thought maybe I should add a boyfriend. So in the spirit of Christmas I was all- okay fine. And then I asked her the best way to get a boyfriend...
"Just find a boy you liked in school and tell him that he's your boyfriend. If that doesn't work, then I would set up like a lemonade stand out where everyone can see and put a BIG sign on it that says 'I want a boyfriend' and that should do the trick."
I told her I was uninterested in her dating advice. She rolled her eyes and told me to write down calendar for her teachers. And pointer.
Today was also pretty chill. Little W and I started off our day eating lunch together because I started a little later today. While we ate lunch she requested that I show her pictures of "my people". So I opened up my photos and started to show her pictures of Iris and Shasta and my family, etc. etc. etc. At one point I showed her a picture of the four of us sibs and she looked at it and said "Oh, your people! And look, there's Karen!"
Karen?
"Ya. Karen. With the *motions hand back and forth across top of forehead aka universal symbol for bangs* and the black hair- you know".
You mean, Mary Catherine? Miss Hall?
"Yeah but I decided to call her Karen. All day."
So you should know that I've added Karen to the list of names you'll be expected to answer to in the future. I'm not really sure where Karen came from, but you should know that regardless of what your name is, little W will always associate you with bangs and black hair.
Our afternoon was also chill. We played barbies which was exciting. Like, real exciting. At one point Ken became a monster. And then Ken was going to take a shower but when he was fully undressed little W decided that monster Ken was A LOT scarier without his clothes on so instead of showering he just started doing monster things. Naked.
She's still so innocent so I just went along with it. But seriously. Naked Ken monster. I cannot.
We also had a lot of nighttime/morning times and so each morning the rooster had to crow and the rooster says "cockle-doo doooo" without warning.
So she'd say "nighttime"...... *quiet, quiet, quiet* COCKLE DOO DOOOOOOO *at the top of her lungs.
Shout that real quick and tell me you didn't laugh at yourself. Cockle doo doo. You're welcome.
Her sis came home early today so naked Ken monster and the rest of the Barbie game kind of died quickly. Little C was super funny too. She ran into the house, shouting about how today was her favorite day in the world. Why was it so favorite? Because... because.... well she couldn't remember but it just was really good.
Her mom was cooking food for tomorrow's Thanksgiving feast and so the house smelled really good. Little C was pumped. She kept shouting "IT SMELLS SO GOOD. IT SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN. CAN WE EAT IT NOW? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT TIL TOMORROW?"
And then she came out of the kitchen, threw herself onto the armchair with her hand on her forehead and she exclaimed, "THAT SMELLS SO GOOD, I JUST WANT TO SCOOP SOME OF IT INTO A BOWL AND TAKE IT FOR A TEST DRIVE."
Scoop some of it into a bowl, and take it for a test drive.
Yes, lawd. All the test drives.
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
Friday, November 17, 2017
Woa, Thursday
Dear Chicago,
Today was one for the books. I'll start from the beginning because I don't want to miss a thing. Not a single thing.
It started off with the exterminator. He was a good guy- gives weak handshakes but ya can't win them all you know? So he arrived because there is a mouse issue. Turns out Mr. Exterminator also was asked to spray for spiders. Sounds good. Spray those spiders. Get em real good. Didn't think anything of it.
So the morning was chill- the baby napped while little girl and I played. We played My Little Pony and when I say played, I mean we brushed their manes. Oh and we did this all while watching the Flinstones. It was ideal.
Then baby woke up, we all ate lunch, and then we headed out to the petting zoo- woo! So we pulled out of the driveway and it began to rain.
Why? Because when else would it rain, duh. But it worked out because it stopped when we arrived at the petting zoo/duck pond- ideal. So we get out of the car and immediately we were hit with the wind. Out of nowhere. I curled my hair and everything! I know you know what I'm saying buhcuz we hate the wind.
We quickly ran to the goats- little man was mesmerized. Of course there were no other people around, so we had the goats' undivided attention. Little girl ran up to the fence with like eight goats facing her and jumping over one another to get as close as possible. She threw her hands to her sides, stomped her little foot, and shouted, "WOA! CALM DOWN EVERYONE!"
I giggled quietly. And then little man ran to the pig. You remember- the pig that bit my finger. I kept my distance. Can't trust no pig.
Little girl was excited to see the rest of the animals so she ran down the sidewalk and quickly returned, eyes wide and she announced "OH MA GOSH. THERE'S A HUGE DUCK COMIN".
And I was all, yes- a duck? We love ducks! How cute. Think of the Instas. Little man with a duck? YES PLEASE. And little girl tends to be pretty dramatic but I was sort of alarmed that she seemed so alarmed. But the instas!
So I started to walk toward the sidewalk when suddenly there was a swan rounding the corner toward me. And I stopped. And he stopped. And we looked at each other and then he took a few more steps toward me and little girl shouted, "THERE'S THAT DUCK".
Little man, hearing the excitement in her voice, turned and saw this giant duck and immediately took off in the swan's direction. Luckily I was close enough to stop him because the swan, sensing little man's excitement, immediately took a rather aggressive stance and kinda cocked his head all funny as little man approached. Little man was very upset with me. I tried to explain to him that I was saving him from having his head bitten off. He wasn't having it.
Little girl ran away and kept shouting "DID YOU SEE DAT DUCK?" The funniest part was that she was convinced it was a duck. Dat ain't no swan. Dat's a duck giant!
I wanted to steer around the duck and explore the rest of the animals but the swan continued to stand in our direct path. He left us no choice but to head back to the parking lot and go home. He was literally guarding the rest of the animals. The jerk. And no, I wasn't brave and I didn't try anything because swans look like geese and have you ever had a goose start hissing and screaming at you? Because that's a terrifying experience (I'm lookin at you, Meredith) and I wasn't down for frightening the children.
The children!
So we went to the library instead. It was cold anyway, stupid swan.
The library was fairly uneventful. The funniest thing was that little girl was trying so hard to get one of the older library volunteers to say hello to her. I think the woman was really focused and so she had no idea that little girl was talking to her. I tried to explain to little girl that maybe the lady couldn't hear her or maybe the lady was busy doing her job and therefore unavailable to chat. This just made little girl more determined.Whatever. I can confirm that little girl was not successful in any of her attempts.
We went home and the kids both went straight to nap time. And then the dog had a seizure.
That's right. A seizure. Baby mama had mentioned briefly on my first day that the dog has epilepsy- meaning she has random seizures- so I asked her what I should do if one were ever to occur and she told me she'd show me but then a kid probably cried or needed food or something so we never went over details. And then today the dog had a seizure.
One minute she was napping on the couch beside me and the next she was trying to crawl behind the armchair in the corner- a spot that perhaps a small child could crawl into. Not a full grown dog.
So I was all- dog, what are you doing? I called baby mama and said- so you mentioned that the dog has seizures... let's talk about that.
Turns out that when she seizes someone has to give her Vicodin. Rectally. Ya.
Praise the good Lord, grandma was home. And grandma has done this all before. And grandma lives 2 minutes away. So grandma rushed in as I'm freaking out because you know I love dogs and this dog is the sweetest dog and she's in pain and my heart is breaking.
Grandma immediately is all- "Oh good, it's not a bad one for your first one. She won't need this one in her butt." Oh, phew. So the next one then? Great.
So we got the dog calmed down. She got her Vicodin, ate like three bowls of food and drank a gallon of water and she was good to go. Grandma said that it only happens like once every two or three months. Fabulous.
And then the spiders. Big girl got off the bus and she and little girl and the neighbor girl headed to the basement to play. The basement is their playroom. The basement also has a room that is unfinished that baby daddy uses as his poker room. The basement is also where the exterminator focused a majority of his time.
So the girls are playing nicely and I'm cooking dinner when all of a sudden... screaming. Shrieking. Cries of terror. Being the good nanny that I am, I walked quickly to the staircase and shouted down, "Everybody okay down there?"
"CAITLYN KILL IT. IT'S THE BIGGEST SPIDER. IT'S LIKE A TARANTULA."
Oh dear. "Can you step on it?"
"NO, I CAN'T STEP ON IT. IT'S GOING TO EAT ME. IT'S A TARANTULA!"
Crap. "Yes, I understand. It's not gonna eat you. Where is it?"
"ON THE STEPS. WE'RE GOING TO BE TRAPPED DOWN HERE FOREVER."
So I grabbed the broom and went tarantula hunting. I was terrified. But last week this happened also and it was a spider the size of a dime. So I wasn't actually thinking I'd find a tarantula. But still, spider. And then I saw it and I nearly peed myself. That mother was huge. Half spider, half grasshopper, wholly disgusting. And it jumped. So it jumped off the steps when I was approaching with the broom and the girls lost their ish. The screaming resumed. And instead of just hanging around, they opened the door to the poker room, ran in, and slammed the door shut behind them.
Now I mentioned before that the exterminator had spent a lot of time in the basement, particularly the poker room. Because it was unfinished. So they slammed the door and I thought to myself- this isn't going to end well. See he sprayed for the spiders which dad always told me makes the bugs come out of hiding but then they die. So ya, this wasn't going to be good.
Seconds later, the screaming resumed.
"IT'S IN HERE. IT FOLLOWED US IN HERE." Perfect. There's more than one of these spider hybrids. I mean the screaming. The shrieking. Then the crying. Sobbing. Straight up sobbing. And like heck I was going to go down there with the one spider/grasshopper somewhere on the stairs!
"WE'RE GONNA DIE DOWN HERE. I DON'T WANNA DIE DOWN HERE."
I eventually shouted loud enough to remind them that there was an outdoor exit from the poker room. Soon they were running into the house, big girl immediately flew straight into my arms with tears streaming down her face. I held her as she softly sobbed into my shoulder. She leaned back and looked at me and said, "Caitlyn, I can't wait til daddy gets home. I can't live like this."
Same. But then the neighbor girl needed to go home and she left her coat, shoes, socks, and toys in the basement. The war zone.
That was the hardest thing I had to do all day. And I had to face the idea of shooting Vicodin into a seizing dog's rectum. But I'm pleased to announce that the coat, shoes, socks, and toys were all retrieved without incident.
All that to say, I think it's time that I got serious about adding a man to my life.
Now seeking life partner. Must be male between the ages of 25-35. Must love Jesus, children, and dogs. Must be willing to medicate dogs rectally. Must have a job. Must also love killing spiders and always be available to kill spiders.
I'm not picky.
Also, while I was cooking dinner I dropped my ring into a pot of boiling spaghettios. Big girl saw and said, "Awww Caitlyn. Your ring."
True. My ring. Then I went to find my cup of water and big girl found it and said, "Caitlyn is this your cup? It has stuffing in it."
Awesome.
Happy Thursday!
xoxo
Today was one for the books. I'll start from the beginning because I don't want to miss a thing. Not a single thing.
It started off with the exterminator. He was a good guy- gives weak handshakes but ya can't win them all you know? So he arrived because there is a mouse issue. Turns out Mr. Exterminator also was asked to spray for spiders. Sounds good. Spray those spiders. Get em real good. Didn't think anything of it.
So the morning was chill- the baby napped while little girl and I played. We played My Little Pony and when I say played, I mean we brushed their manes. Oh and we did this all while watching the Flinstones. It was ideal.
Then baby woke up, we all ate lunch, and then we headed out to the petting zoo- woo! So we pulled out of the driveway and it began to rain.
Why? Because when else would it rain, duh. But it worked out because it stopped when we arrived at the petting zoo/duck pond- ideal. So we get out of the car and immediately we were hit with the wind. Out of nowhere. I curled my hair and everything! I know you know what I'm saying buhcuz we hate the wind.
We quickly ran to the goats- little man was mesmerized. Of course there were no other people around, so we had the goats' undivided attention. Little girl ran up to the fence with like eight goats facing her and jumping over one another to get as close as possible. She threw her hands to her sides, stomped her little foot, and shouted, "WOA! CALM DOWN EVERYONE!"
I giggled quietly. And then little man ran to the pig. You remember- the pig that bit my finger. I kept my distance. Can't trust no pig.
Little girl was excited to see the rest of the animals so she ran down the sidewalk and quickly returned, eyes wide and she announced "OH MA GOSH. THERE'S A HUGE DUCK COMIN".
And I was all, yes- a duck? We love ducks! How cute. Think of the Instas. Little man with a duck? YES PLEASE. And little girl tends to be pretty dramatic but I was sort of alarmed that she seemed so alarmed. But the instas!
So I started to walk toward the sidewalk when suddenly there was a swan rounding the corner toward me. And I stopped. And he stopped. And we looked at each other and then he took a few more steps toward me and little girl shouted, "THERE'S THAT DUCK".
Little man, hearing the excitement in her voice, turned and saw this giant duck and immediately took off in the swan's direction. Luckily I was close enough to stop him because the swan, sensing little man's excitement, immediately took a rather aggressive stance and kinda cocked his head all funny as little man approached. Little man was very upset with me. I tried to explain to him that I was saving him from having his head bitten off. He wasn't having it.
Little girl ran away and kept shouting "DID YOU SEE DAT DUCK?" The funniest part was that she was convinced it was a duck. Dat ain't no swan. Dat's a duck giant!
I wanted to steer around the duck and explore the rest of the animals but the swan continued to stand in our direct path. He left us no choice but to head back to the parking lot and go home. He was literally guarding the rest of the animals. The jerk. And no, I wasn't brave and I didn't try anything because swans look like geese and have you ever had a goose start hissing and screaming at you? Because that's a terrifying experience (I'm lookin at you, Meredith) and I wasn't down for frightening the children.
The children!
So we went to the library instead. It was cold anyway, stupid swan.
The library was fairly uneventful. The funniest thing was that little girl was trying so hard to get one of the older library volunteers to say hello to her. I think the woman was really focused and so she had no idea that little girl was talking to her. I tried to explain to little girl that maybe the lady couldn't hear her or maybe the lady was busy doing her job and therefore unavailable to chat. This just made little girl more determined.Whatever. I can confirm that little girl was not successful in any of her attempts.
We went home and the kids both went straight to nap time. And then the dog had a seizure.
That's right. A seizure. Baby mama had mentioned briefly on my first day that the dog has epilepsy- meaning she has random seizures- so I asked her what I should do if one were ever to occur and she told me she'd show me but then a kid probably cried or needed food or something so we never went over details. And then today the dog had a seizure.
One minute she was napping on the couch beside me and the next she was trying to crawl behind the armchair in the corner- a spot that perhaps a small child could crawl into. Not a full grown dog.
So I was all- dog, what are you doing? I called baby mama and said- so you mentioned that the dog has seizures... let's talk about that.
Turns out that when she seizes someone has to give her Vicodin. Rectally. Ya.
Praise the good Lord, grandma was home. And grandma has done this all before. And grandma lives 2 minutes away. So grandma rushed in as I'm freaking out because you know I love dogs and this dog is the sweetest dog and she's in pain and my heart is breaking.
Grandma immediately is all- "Oh good, it's not a bad one for your first one. She won't need this one in her butt." Oh, phew. So the next one then? Great.
So we got the dog calmed down. She got her Vicodin, ate like three bowls of food and drank a gallon of water and she was good to go. Grandma said that it only happens like once every two or three months. Fabulous.
And then the spiders. Big girl got off the bus and she and little girl and the neighbor girl headed to the basement to play. The basement is their playroom. The basement also has a room that is unfinished that baby daddy uses as his poker room. The basement is also where the exterminator focused a majority of his time.
So the girls are playing nicely and I'm cooking dinner when all of a sudden... screaming. Shrieking. Cries of terror. Being the good nanny that I am, I walked quickly to the staircase and shouted down, "Everybody okay down there?"
"CAITLYN KILL IT. IT'S THE BIGGEST SPIDER. IT'S LIKE A TARANTULA."
Oh dear. "Can you step on it?"
"NO, I CAN'T STEP ON IT. IT'S GOING TO EAT ME. IT'S A TARANTULA!"
Crap. "Yes, I understand. It's not gonna eat you. Where is it?"
"ON THE STEPS. WE'RE GOING TO BE TRAPPED DOWN HERE FOREVER."
So I grabbed the broom and went tarantula hunting. I was terrified. But last week this happened also and it was a spider the size of a dime. So I wasn't actually thinking I'd find a tarantula. But still, spider. And then I saw it and I nearly peed myself. That mother was huge. Half spider, half grasshopper, wholly disgusting. And it jumped. So it jumped off the steps when I was approaching with the broom and the girls lost their ish. The screaming resumed. And instead of just hanging around, they opened the door to the poker room, ran in, and slammed the door shut behind them.
Now I mentioned before that the exterminator had spent a lot of time in the basement, particularly the poker room. Because it was unfinished. So they slammed the door and I thought to myself- this isn't going to end well. See he sprayed for the spiders which dad always told me makes the bugs come out of hiding but then they die. So ya, this wasn't going to be good.
Seconds later, the screaming resumed.
"IT'S IN HERE. IT FOLLOWED US IN HERE." Perfect. There's more than one of these spider hybrids. I mean the screaming. The shrieking. Then the crying. Sobbing. Straight up sobbing. And like heck I was going to go down there with the one spider/grasshopper somewhere on the stairs!
"WE'RE GONNA DIE DOWN HERE. I DON'T WANNA DIE DOWN HERE."
I eventually shouted loud enough to remind them that there was an outdoor exit from the poker room. Soon they were running into the house, big girl immediately flew straight into my arms with tears streaming down her face. I held her as she softly sobbed into my shoulder. She leaned back and looked at me and said, "Caitlyn, I can't wait til daddy gets home. I can't live like this."
Same. But then the neighbor girl needed to go home and she left her coat, shoes, socks, and toys in the basement. The war zone.
That was the hardest thing I had to do all day. And I had to face the idea of shooting Vicodin into a seizing dog's rectum. But I'm pleased to announce that the coat, shoes, socks, and toys were all retrieved without incident.
All that to say, I think it's time that I got serious about adding a man to my life.
Now seeking life partner. Must be male between the ages of 25-35. Must love Jesus, children, and dogs. Must be willing to medicate dogs rectally. Must have a job. Must also love killing spiders and always be available to kill spiders.
I'm not picky.
Also, while I was cooking dinner I dropped my ring into a pot of boiling spaghettios. Big girl saw and said, "Awww Caitlyn. Your ring."
True. My ring. Then I went to find my cup of water and big girl found it and said, "Caitlyn is this your cup? It has stuffing in it."
Awesome.
Happy Thursday!
xoxo
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